On The Inside

On The Inside

Jul 8, 2014

So I didn’t get to this last night, but  I promised it and I will deliver!  Last night, I swept; did laundry (including folding and putting away; put handles on my kitchen cabinet doors; grilled chicken and asparagus for dinner; loaded, ran, and unloaded the dishwasher; and walked the dog.  So while I didn’t get a lot of blogging done – I got some much needed stuff done around the house.  Yay!

Today, I wanted to start with the fact that I will NOT be competing this year.  It’s not because I don’t want to, I have an itch for competitions that I don’t foresee going away anytime soon.  My husband and I are discussing starting a family over the next year or so – so the time, effort, and money put into a competition just doesn’t seem worth it to me, especially if we are just going to turn around be a prego lady in the next 6 months post competition.  I want the time and availability to reverse diet properly and spend time doing it the “right” way.

So, putting the (possible) future aside – I am not ready presently.  Like I said in yesterday’s blog – I am only eating between 1300 and 1400 calories every day.  Yesterday, I managed 1,517 calories.  I upped my carbs by 10g – trying to work my way up, up, UP!!  So that helped.  I had a scoop of ice cream!  Wahoo!!  Point is, I’m trying to get myself in a healthy place.  An “overly” healthy place.  What I mean is, higher calorie intake, higher carb intake – so whenever I get ready to compete again, I’ll have plenty to cut from!

I’ve managed to maintain my weight and I fluctuate between 122lbs and 125lbs depending on the day.  Yesterday, it was 124.1lbs.  I’m totally happy with this.  Ask me a year ago – and this number would have been devastating.  This is another thing I’ve been working on (and have to keep working on) – THE NUMBER OF THE SCALE DOES NOT DEFINE ME!!  There, I said it.  And I still struggle with it daily.  While I’m accepting the number, I still compare myself to other people and what is “normal” for them.  Just because it works for them, doesn’t mean it will work for me!  Perfect example – my carbs, protein, and fat grams and my calories.  I’m sharing them so that I can give you my personal parameters.  Anyway, just coming to grips with a number that has never been the norm for me – so there is work to be done here.

Another thing, I’ve been suffering from a mild form of depression for the last few months.  I have just felt down.. not sad necessarily, not wanting to hurt myself, not mad about anything in particular – just feelings of loneliness and emptiness.  Most of the time I’m fine – it hits me at random times and usually catches me off guard.  I’ve found a herbal supplement that has helped, but I was just told that I can no longer take it – so I’m worried about making sure I am emotionally healthy before I would ever want to take on another competition.  Because if there is anything that can mess with you emotionally – it’s competing.

but I’m also still being a wife, friend, daughter, and granddaughter to some amazing people that deserve my time and attention.  If it means eating off my meal plan to go out with friends or a date night, then bring it on.  Recently, it’s meant eating in the car a lot to travel due to the death of my grandpa.  Self reflection is allowing me to see that life is far too short.  Competing is a hobby and overall health and wellbeing is far more important at this time.  The competition stage will see me again, but nothing is on the calendar for now.  For now, I’m going to eat ice cream, going out to dinner, have dates with my husband, drink coffee with friends, and have a spoonful of peanut butter or two when I want it.  I am enough!! 🙂

iron This morning’s selfie – 7/8/2014. 🙂 Flex Tuesday?! LOL.

And with that, I’m out for today.

xoxo

-a

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